After having finished up clearing out the suicide watches one afternoon, I was making my way back to the office. As I was passing through Book In, I saw a slip of paper sliding across the floor. I bent over and intercepted it and looked at the young lady who had launched it toward the holding cell. Curious as to why someone would be passing notes in jail, I opened the note to see a name and telephone number. I looked over at the holding cell to see the male recipient looking back with a sheepish, angelic grin. I tore the note in half and told the female “you don’t want to be picking up guys in jail.” I thought to myself that I would hate to be doing couples’ counseling years later and find out that they had first met in jail.
All of us are attracted to subconscious cues when it comes to finding a mate. If we happen to have been raised in a dysfunctional family we will invariably seek out the cues with which we are familiar. This explains the reason why we continue to pick partners who abuse, take advantage, or enable self defeating patterns no matter how bad previous relationships have been. We may think that we are attracted to the color of their eyes, or the cute way they smile, but in reality, if we don’t find something “familiar” about our love interest, chances are we won’t pursue the relationship. Often, it is this familiar element that perpetuates the pattern. You may think that you’re attracted to “strong” men when in reality the attraction is to immaturity. You may feel that you prefer independent women when the truth is you pick those who are emotionally unavailable.
We have an incredible capacity to deceive ourselves, and our Egos will go to extraordinary lengths to remain in control, even though its beliefs and actions are not in our own best interests. In fact, Negative Energy such as Addiction, Depression, Anxiety, Paranoia, Fear of Failure, and the Fear of Rejection become so entangled with our Ego that they almost become personality traits. This is why the road to recovery is often long and difficult because we are fighting against our own Ego which has long been deceived and finds it difficult to let go of what it believes and fears. Add to this the total destruction of basic trust, as in the case of abandonment or physical or sexual abuse, and the journey becomes even more challenging.
There is only one Source of Truth, and that is Positive Energy. Authenticity is tied to Truth; therefore, in order to be our true, authentic Self we must function, at least mostly, in Positive Energy. Until that happens, we are living an “alternate” reality. We are not functioning as we were designed to function, neither are we fulfilling our purpose or utilizing our talents in a way that brings personal fulfillment. While it could be argued that the Narcissist is always fulfilled and seeks nothing other than self contentment, the wake of destruction, heartache and injustice caused by their actions is testimony to their Negative Energy. Narcissists do not operate in Love, Truth or Freedom. While they may experience happiness, they do not know true Joy which exists only in the Positive realm.
Due to the deceptive nature of the Ego, Surrender is the only viable pathway to Positive Energy. One cannot simply decide to pick the opposite type of person with whom they have always been in relationship in order to defeat their negative pattern. The dynamic will simply “flip” and you will find yourself being the controller instead of the enabler or vice-versa. In order for true change to take place, the deception must be uncovered in the Light of Truth and Wisdom must be allowed to set new patterns in alignment with Love, Life and Freedom. Not only must one surrender the old way of thinking and doing, but he must surrender to Wisdom and Truth with a new set of behaviors. This will obviously require developing a new support structure in the form of new friends, advisers and most likely, professional help. At any rate, Acceptance and Resolve will be needed to make the change. But then, after all, what better things do you have to do?