As I approach the two year mark of my divorce which represents the greatest “tower moment” of my life, I can’t help but take a quick inventory of lessons, insights and overall landscape changes.
I’ve learned that I am a Life Path 7, which explains a lot of the behavior and orientation I had previously ascribed to ADD. Turns out the hypersensitivity, lack of focus on the practical and mundane, daydreaming and fantasy are all part of the attraction to spirituality. Who knew?! The inability to keep a job for more than 2 years at most; the sensitivity to office gossip and always knowing intuitively when someone was unhappy with my performance, appearance or something I said, were all part of my unique, spiritual make-up.
Perhaps one of the biggest changes was the emergence from a deep, dark cloud of negativity. It was so difficult to even realize how negative my daily thoughts were in the beginning. I used to get so annoyed with Readers who would say “there is something from the past you need to let go of” when I had turned over every rock and forgiven everyone I could possibly think of. I finally realized that it was the past itself and the negativity associated with it that I was clinging to. I would wake up with the “grumbles” and continue with them all day long. I can remember when they diminished considerably after I decided to stop entertaining negativity and focused on the positive.
Another major change was that of co-dependency. I used to always wait for someone else to make the first move, the first decision or take the lead so that I could decide how to respond. I hated conflict and always wanted to be liked but my actions had the adverse affect. My self esteem was abysmal and I was plagued with self doubt. I had to learn that I was worthy and that my thoughts, intentions and desires were worthy as well.
This came through countless hours of Readers speaking Truth and guiding me through situations and circumstances in Life. I took a job as a director with one of the last remaining 90 day recovery centers on top of a remote mountain in West Virginia. I made the decisions to accept or reject prospective residents who wanted to avoid incarceration (or get out of it) and “get recovery”. I lived in a small, efficiency apartment and knew no one in the area. My Ego had few comforts with which to escape or become distracted as the Light pierced every part of my old, corroded soul. The highlight of my day was finding some nice place to eat before I went back to my hovel and slept. How much of this was from the Universe or self-imposed punishment I don’t know but I realized that negativity is a hard taskmaster.
Today, I’m still coming to terms with who I am as opposed to who I thought I was. I’ve always had a certain element of wanting to “be somebody”, which I suppose is the result of early abandonment. However, I’ve learned that there is a difference between wanting to be someone of distinction and knowing you are someone of distinction. The latter never has to be defended or proven. I now know that I am a spiritual being first and that everything else is simply utilitarian. I am a part of the greater scheme of things and just need to take up my position in the Universe. It’s just that some days I forget to not allow my Ego to drive.