I make everything harder than it needs to be. Always have. I guess part of it has to do with my perfectionist, Virgo nature. Good enough just doesn’t seem to be good enough; except when it comes to housework, chores and most other general tedium. But, after all, isn’t that the nature of perfectionism? If it can’t be done perfectly, best leave it for another time.
This recent hurdle in my journey toward transformation has perhaps been the most difficult, although after having ridden over rapids, through Doldrums, over mountains and through deep, dark chasms of the past, “difficult” has become the norm. It hasn’t all been bad. There have been a few bright spots along the way but the Ego is relentless in its quest for control. In this “phase” of the journey I have been trying to step out of the overthinking of my Ego and lean more on my Intuition. Online Tarot Readers have been faithful to point out the fact that I have beliefs which are preventing me from “hearing” my Spirit and getting on with Life.
I became aware of one set of these beliefs recently through an online interview with Lance Allred. I have always struggled with my identity as a man because of my sensitive and feeling nature. Having ADD didn’t help since it was accompanied by a sensitivity to rejection and a constant feeling that I was “missing” something, like the latest automobile upgrade or football score or some other trivial information I wouldn’t know due to my constant “inattention”. I bought into the notion that a “real man” has plenty of money, is attractive to women, knows how to fight and is up on the latest trends. Growing up in a home of isolation and dysfunction, as well as feeling clueless and inadequate, motivated me to hide behind a veneer of people-pleasing and intensive self-scrutiny. I was afraid to offend, displease or, heaven forbid, anger anyone.
While this wasn’t a brand new revelation, I was made more aware of the depth and strength of this fundamental belief system. My entire self-image was based around a belief that I could never achieve, which was pretty much a guarantee of failure and shame. Time to set fire to that one!
On the heels of this revelation, during and online reading today, another set of beliefs surfaced. I have always believed in working smarter not harder. When you have ADD you become very conscious of how you expend energy. The problem is that often, looking for “smarter” takes more time than simply doing the work. Apparently “Success” has a different meaning to a perfectionist. After all, “good enough” just ain’t gonna cut it. Of course all of this “perfectionism” is the ideal excuse to avoid potential failure and the shame that comes with it. No wonder I was having such difficulty letting go of my Ego. It was busy! It was protecting me from embarrassing myself, holding up my mask of “perfection”, over-analyzing, overthinking everything, reinventing wheels and always looking for ways to do things “better”. Geez! It’s a wonder I got out of bed most days.
I think I’ll give my Ego a vacation. I just need to rest in the version of Me that is connected to Source and get out of my own way, which, now that I think about it, sounds a lot like Surrender.