I can remember, years ago, asking God to “integrate” me as I was aware of the deep, inner turmoil I felt and the mask I wore to cover it up. I was weary of the war that waged within me and so tired of “hating” myself for my natural urges and erratic nature. I was highly sensitive but I had a “wild” streak and a tendency to push the envelope. I didn’t know what I was asking God to do, I just wanted to be free from the constant struggle of fighting with myself.
I had learned to embrace my Ego and accept that it had been bruised and twisted. I had forgiven myself, hugged myself and declared love for myself. Yet still something persisted. Something was wrong. Finally, a reading shed further clarity on my struggle.
The negative, nagging voice of my Ego had been largely stopped but I was still having difficulty “hearing”, let alone following, the voice of my Intuition. I was also experiencing an uptick in old, familiar temptations online. I sensed that the Universe was drawing my attention to something. I thought about my distant, turbulent relationship with my mother and the self-rejection it generated. I also delved into the nature of co-dependency and the types of relationships I had attracted.
I finally saw how my own Ego continually sabotaged me and any endeavors toward success and happiness. I realized that, as an infant, I must have been traumatized by some of the conflicts my mother had endured at the hands of my biological father. That explained the underlying, pervasive sense of fear, which had developed before I could remember. I did everything I could to avoid conflict. Not only conflict, but the potential for conflict as well. I kept my opinions, thoughts and beliefs to myself lest I should offend anyone. At home, I was bereft of affection, tenderness and praise. I found it through fantasizing, which had nothing whatsoever to do with human interaction.
At 6:41 in the above video, Yvonne says; “you’ve recognized that this Ego energy is holding you back from the Life you want”. Finally I saw it. It was a cluster of Negative Energy that my Ego had assimilated and engaged. It was like a spiritual tumor, some sort of growth that was restricting me. It was made up of co-dependency, insecurity, overthinking, addiction and fear. I was now at the point where I could let it go.
I immediately went to a guided meditation that I had used and went to work releasing this energy from my Ego. I let it go and allowed my Spirit to expand and fill the void of years and years of Negative Energy. I came to realize that I’m a dreamer and that my imagination isn’t bad or even twisted. My Ego had used my imagination to escape and to create a world that wasn’t full of rejection and pain. I thought of Stan Lee and how he had used his imagination to become successful and fulfilled in his career. It felt good to embrace my creativity as a super power and end the war I had fought for so long.