And then it happens. You finally realize. You don’t know why you didn’t see it sooner. It was there all the time.
It happened this morning during meditation. I was listening to The River meditation, aware of the fact that if “I” was grateful for my Higher Being, then “I” wasn’t actually my Higher Being. Then I got an image of my Will, my Inner Being (or Spirit) and my Ego standing together. My Will was standing with my Ego and then it occurred to me that it was actually being kept from my Inner Being. “What the hell?” I thought. There actually were things in place that were designed to keep my Will away from my Higher Self.
I mean this was no secret, right? I had written about this. I already knew this. But for some reason I now saw it in a different light. My Will was actually being denied access to my Higher Self! In other words, my Higher Self, or my Spirit, did not have complete freedom to operate my Volition while my Ego operated it without restriction. Now that I think about it, my Ego was acting as a filter; censoring, analyzing, approving or disapproving everything that transpired between my body and spirit and my actual Essence, or Will. While I may have known this on other levels, finally the full picture had emerged.
Suddenly, all of the admonitions by Tarot Readers to “let go”, “stop resisting”, “release” and “go with the flow” made sense. Somehow, deep in my inner core, I had been convinced that my own “Free Will” , or in essence, my core Self, should be entrusted to my Ego and my Ego guarded it fiercely. A series of nearly subconscious thoughts appeared which consisted of, “You should be over there”, “No, you don’t belong there”, “You can’t be there”, “That wouldn’t be right”, which had to do with the location of my Will in alignment with my Higher Self. It was as if I viewed my Spirit as an entity separate from myself and that my Will, or Volition was unworthy of direct access to my Higher Self. All of this took place in a matter of nano-seconds.
It was then that I realized I was FREE! I was finally free to be my Higher Self with unlimited access to Source. I was no longer relegated to the material world, or to my mind, or to my past or previous conditioning. Of course I had to know that all of that had taken place before this revelation could occur, but finally, everything had aligned. It had come one layer at a time and with each removal the vision became clearer.
A Darker Truth…
As I reflected on this revelation and began writing of the experience, a darker Truth began to emerge. I was reminded of an article I had written some time ago entitled “We Made a Decision“. In this article, I pointed out that according to Genesis, it was not the Ego that acted against God’s instructions not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge, rather the Will itself.
I thought about the underlying issues of lack, co-dependency and victim mentality. It is easy to blame the Ego as the culprit and allow my core Self to be innocent and free from responsibility. In fact, this is a pattern in which I have engaged my entire life. I have always wanted to be free from blame and to be guiltless. I have used co-dependency and victimization as excuses for lack and poverty. My Will is complicit with the Ego in not fully surrendering to my Higher Self out of fear of failure and humiliation.
I am not accusing or judging myself. I am simply observing that my Will has not jumped at the chance to align with my Higher Self and access the power that would follow such a decision. The Ego offered protection, albeit with great restriction and great cost. I traded my magnificent, authentic self for a weaker, yet safer version long ago. I didn’t know what I was doing; nevertheless, I gave the orders and my Ego faithfully carried them out. Then, somewhere along the way, I became lost.
I gave my Ego control and it faithfully complied although it was overcome by Negative Energy. I now reclaim my power as my Higher Self and Surrender to my True Nature. I Am That I Am.