Healing the Ego

I can remember, years ago, asking God to “integrate” me as I was aware of the deep, inner turmoil I felt and the mask I wore to cover it up. I was weary of the war that waged within me and so tired of “hating” myself for my natural urges and erratic nature. I was highly sensitive but I had a “wild” streak and a tendency to push the envelope. I didn’t know what I was asking God to do, I just wanted to be free from the constant struggle of fighting with myself.

I had learned to embrace my Ego and accept that it had been bruised and twisted. I had forgiven myself, hugged myself and declared love for myself. Yet still something persisted. Something was wrong. Finally, a reading shed further clarity on my struggle.

The negative, nagging voice of my Ego had been largely stopped but I was still having difficulty “hearing”, let alone following, the voice of my Intuition. I was also experiencing an uptick in old, familiar temptations online. I sensed that the Universe was drawing my attention to something. I thought about my distant, turbulent relationship with my mother and the self-rejection it generated. I also delved into the nature of co-dependency and the types of relationships I had attracted.

I finally saw how my own Ego continually sabotaged me and any endeavors toward success and happiness. I realized that, as an infant, I must have been traumatized by some of the conflicts my mother had endured at the hands of my biological father. That explained the underlying, pervasive sense of fear, which had developed before I could remember. I did everything I could to avoid conflict. Not only conflict, but the potential for conflict as well. I kept my opinions, thoughts and beliefs to myself lest I should offend anyone. At home, I was bereft of affection, tenderness and praise. I found it through fantasizing, which had nothing whatsoever to do with human interaction.

At 6:41 in the above video, Yvonne says; “you’ve recognized that this Ego energy is holding you back from the Life you want”. Finally I saw it. It was a cluster of Negative Energy that my Ego had assimilated and engaged. It was like a spiritual tumor, some sort of growth that was restricting me. It was made up of co-dependency, insecurity, overthinking, addiction and fear. I was now at the point where I could let it go.

I immediately went to a guided meditation that I had used and went to work releasing this energy from my Ego. I let it go and allowed my Spirit to expand and fill the void of years and years of Negative Energy. I came to realize that I’m a dreamer and that my imagination isn’t bad or even twisted. My Ego had used my imagination to escape and to create a world that wasn’t full of rejection and pain. I thought of Stan Lee and how he had used his imagination to become successful and fulfilled in his career. It felt good to embrace my creativity as a super power and end the war I had fought for so long.

Embracing Your Ego

Someone recently pointed out that our journey to Rebirth or Transformation is not linear but circular. We don’t simply learn a lesson and move on, never to return. We learn a Truth, have an epiphany, in one set of circumstances and get thrown into another in order to see it from a different angle.

This was brought home to me recently when I used a guided meditation online. In the meditation, I was led to visit my Intuition. Intuition is often depicted as Feminine and I felt a great sense of love and acceptance from a part of my Inner Self. I found this to be quite healing and it changed my outlook substantially since I had already done much healing work in removing Negativity and quieting my Ego.

In this exercise it felt as if my Ego and Spirit were being introduced to each other. I had always viewed my spiritual journey as one of battling against my Ego and trying to overcome its “sinful” and self-defeating ways. I have been at war with myself ever since I had gotten “saved” in a little Pentecostal church before I was even 6 years old. Everything I did after that went under the scrutiny of whether or not it would send me to hell. Unfortunately, my Ego had a rich fantasy life and kept me busy asking for forgiveness before the Rapture took place. I was always looking for fault within myself and trying to earn “gold stars” in order to keep God and everybody else happy.

Some of this was simply my nature as a Life Path 7. Most of it, however, was a result of hyper-criticism combined with a need to be holier than anyone who walked the planet except for the Lord Himself. That, along with my ADD had kept me focused on everything but what I was supposed to be doing at the time. The bad thing was that I never caught on. I kept trying to fit into the corporate, normal, neuro-typical, 9 to 5 routine that every public-schooled, brick-in-the-wall kid I had grown up with was in. Soon I had a family to raise and I wasn’t going to put my kids through the horrors of public school that I had endured. But regular jobs and I just didn’t get along.

I’ve always seen my “being different” as a reason to hate myself. This meditation finally brought me together with my Higher Self and melted years of self-rejection. I had gone through all types of exercises from forgiveness to exorcism to try to heal my inner wounds. You will have to do some work before you can make this journey and see results. Forgiveness must be done. Confronting false beliefs and the stubbornness of the Ego has to be done. Some healing will have to transpire before the Spirit and Ego can unite.

I was tired before I set out on this Fool’s Journey. Since then I have been exhausted of all strength. With these meditations I feel like the war has ended. Maybe now I can focus my efforts elsewhere.

On another note, I took one of those tests on Facebook that reveals different aspects of one’s personality. This one had you click on a pearl to reveal your most dominant trait. My dominant trait turned out to be “Bravery”. During a couple of readings I had been told that a treasure was buried deep inside and that in the discovery of this treasure I would move forward rapidly. While posting the results, it dawned on me that this is a trait which I do possess but I have to be pushed up against the wall before it is seen. I realized that this is the treasure I’ve been waiting for! Lets get this party started!

Wake Up Call

As of this writing, the entire world is dealing with the fear and confusion caused by the Covid 19 (Carona) virus. Many theories, accusations and apocalyptic postulations have been put forward as to the origins and purpose of this virus. One common observation which is emerging from the chaos is that our collective values and priorities as human beings have become misplaced. One example is Italy, which is experiencing a renewal of wildlife and natural restoration due to the reduction of traffic and pollution.

I’ve never been a tree-hugger, nor anything close to an “environmentalist” even though I grew up in a very rural area. I have come to realize, however, that nature is very much connected to God and that a spiritual lifestyle must include a profound reverence for nature and simplicity. In fact, this is the very essence of Positive Energy. It is valuable, priceless, majestic. Only a fool does not see the importance of respecting and nurturing the earth around us as is well demonstrated in George Carlin’s monologue.

Positive Energy does not argue with, coerce or manipulate you. If you don’t recognize its value it simply doesn’t let you in. Negative Energy, on the other hand, will blind you, put a leash around your neck and drag you around. Regardless as to whether or not climate change is due to human intervention, we know how to be responsible for our planet. To not be responsible is simply disrespect. Yet, demanding change by force is not the answer. Positive change must come through Love and Divine intervention. Sometimes, Love has to be tough. Showing the consequences of one’s actions by placing them in time out is one way of showing Love. Right now, all of us are in time out.

We used to have Public Service Announcements which reflected our values and respect for community and responsibility. I can remember the commercial below as well as

the Smokey Bear commercials and “Do You Know Where Your Children Are?” spots. At some point it seems that society became more addicted to greed and convenience and our collective Egos drifted from these values.

We need to explore new types of energy. We need to look more into Tesla’s discoveries. We also need to confront those in power who are corrupt and deceptive with the Truth and possible legal action. We need to care more for our neighbors. We need to sing more from our balconies. Something needs to change and it appears we have been sent a clear message that change is on the horizon, whether we like it or not.

Out of the Darkness

I make everything harder than it needs to be. Always have. I guess part of it has to do with my perfectionist, Virgo nature. Good enough just doesn’t seem to be good enough; except when it comes to housework, chores and most other general tedium. But, after all, isn’t that the nature of perfectionism? If it can’t be done perfectly, best leave it for another time.

This recent hurdle in my journey toward transformation has perhaps been the most difficult, although after having ridden over rapids, through Doldrums, over mountains and through deep, dark chasms of the past, “difficult” has become the norm. It hasn’t all been bad. There have been a few bright spots along the way but the Ego is relentless in its quest for control. In this “phase” of the journey I have been trying to step out of the overthinking of my Ego and lean more on my Intuition. Online Tarot Readers have been faithful to point out the fact that I have beliefs which are preventing me from “hearing” my Spirit and getting on with Life.

I became aware of one set of these beliefs recently through an online interview with Lance Allred. I have always struggled with my identity as a man because of my sensitive and feeling nature. Having ADD didn’t help since it was accompanied by a sensitivity to rejection and a constant feeling that I was “missing” something, like the latest automobile upgrade or football score or some other trivial information I wouldn’t know due to my constant “inattention”. I bought into the notion that a “real man” has plenty of money, is attractive to women, knows how to fight and is up on the latest trends. Growing up in a home of isolation and dysfunction, as well as feeling clueless and inadequate, motivated me to hide behind a veneer of people-pleasing and intensive self-scrutiny. I was afraid to offend, displease or, heaven forbid, anger anyone.

While this wasn’t a brand new revelation, I was made more aware of the depth and strength of this fundamental belief system. My entire self-image was based around a belief that I could never achieve, which was pretty much a guarantee of failure and shame. Time to set fire to that one!

On the heels of this revelation, during and online reading today, another set of beliefs surfaced. I have always believed in working smarter not harder. When you have ADD you become very conscious of how you expend energy. The problem is that often, looking for “smarter” takes more time than simply doing the work. Apparently “Success” has a different meaning to a perfectionist. After all, “good enough” just ain’t gonna cut it. Of course all of this “perfectionism” is the ideal excuse to avoid potential failure and the shame that comes with it. No wonder I was having such difficulty letting go of my Ego. It was busy! It was protecting me from embarrassing myself, holding up my mask of “perfection”, over-analyzing, overthinking everything, reinventing wheels and always looking for ways to do things “better”. Geez! It’s a wonder I got out of bed most days.

I think I’ll give my Ego a vacation. I just need to rest in the version of Me that is connected to Source and get out of my own way, which, now that I think about it, sounds a lot like Surrender.

Getting Your Wings

Wax on, Wax Off…” Perhaps you will recognize this quote from The Karate Kid when Mr. Miyagi taught his pupil, Daniel, defensive Karate moves by assigning him various chores which incorporated the basic movements needed in self defense. In doing this, Daniel was trained subconsciously while performing a task which seemed to be unrelated to his goal. One may think that this is “conditioning” and that it is deceptive since it by-passes Free Will. First of all, you must remember that Daniel was a student. He had Surrendered his will to Mr. Miyagi in order to learn the discipline of Karate. He was free to bail out at any time and go back to getting his ass kicked at school. Secondly, he needed to learn quickly and his mind was getting in the way.

In my quest to get my Life back on track, hell, to get a Life at this point, my mind has been my greatest enemy. In fact, as I look back, my mind has always been my biggest obstacle. Ironically, it is not the Thinkers who have the most difficulty becoming trapped in their minds; rather, it is the Intuitives who spend countless hours daydreaming, fantasizing, exploring “what-ifs” and conceptualizing. Even more ironic is the fact that Intuitives rely mostly on the mind for their “Intuition” rather than their Spirit. This trait is shared among those who have Attention-Deficit disorders since it provides the basis for inattention and boredom. While most Intuitive types may appear to be “flighty” or distracted, usually they are deep in thought. They just don’t spend time thinking about the same things everyone else does. In fact, it could more accurately be described as “conceptualizing” rather than “thinking”.

Of course, with all this “conceptualizing” one would imagine that some type of energy was being generated and one would be completely accurate in this assumption. Intuitives have the potential to generate huge amounts of creativity when their powers are used for good. However, the down side to this trait is that vast amounts of fear and anxiety can also be generated. Intuitive types can live in a deep, dark chasm of fear, doubt and worry as they imagine all sorts of horrible outcomes and potentials.

As I sat in meditation and tried to “Surrender” my mind and Ego, one message that I kept getting in my Readings was that there was a need to let go of something to which I was clinging. My thought was that it was a person, place or thing from my past. However, today I learned that it was my mind and my dependency on over-thinking that I needed to release. Just like Mr. Miyagi, the Universe had been taking me through a series of steps to by-pass my thought processes. I had learned to not allow the physical/material world to dictate my emotional state; however, my circumstances did not change. I continued living with my parents, remained unemployed and watched my financial situation deteriorate into hopelessness. Finally, while in meditation this morning, things changed.

Over a year ago, I had taken out a loan in order to relieve the financial pressure I was under at the time. When the money finally arrived I felt the relief from the pressure and Spirit spoke to me saying; “what if you could feel this relief before the money arrives?” I filed that thought away for future reference and brought it up for pondering from time to time, realizing that this was the essence of Faith and Trust. This morning, as I was thinking about a debt of which I was concerned, I decided to apply this concept. As I did, Wisdom spoke and provided Enlightenment.

Firstly, I decided to “accept” the feeling that my debt was already paid. As I did, I realized that this was “knowledge” that my Spirit had which was not available to my mind or Ego. As the revelation unfolded, I realized that this knowledge was not based on physical perception or any type of material evidence. It was based upon my Spirit’s familiarity with Source. As I thought of the concept of Faith, I had the thought that much of Faith is based on familiarity and experience and is subconscious. It is like sitting in a chair or flipping on a light switch. You just know what’s going to happen because you have experienced it before. Intuition is like that sometimes; you just know something in your “gut”. In my readings I had been told that my next move would not come to me through the external but would come through my Intuition. I tried desperately to engage my Intuition but my mind kept getting in the way. This morning I realized that all my attempts at “having faith” and “seeing” with my Intuition were attempts to convince my mind that reality was something other than what I was experiencing in the material world. What I needed was to by-pass my mind and Ego completely. Finally, my wings had shown up!

My Ego had desperately tried to stay alive and kept trying to “figure out” what I was supposed to do, what was my next move, how to navigate forward. I had already come to the realization that my desires to get a job, a house, a companion and a vehicle were attempts by my Ego to get “back to normal”. Now I finally understood that my Ego was still trying to control and I could not “let go” of my need to understand and figure things out. I needed to completely yield to Spirit and step out, away from my over-thinking mind and ignorant Ego. I cannot describe the ecstasy and gratitude I felt when I was liberated from the trap of over-thinking and the bondage of worry and fear. I was enlightened to the fact that my Spirit is connected to Source and its knowledge is not limited by the material world or the physical body/mind. The Spirit just “knows”. Even though I had already known this on some level, that knowledge was contained within my Ego which could not “trust” my Spirit enough to let go. Trust also comes from knowing and it is my Spirit who knows Source and the Universe, not my Ego. Arriving at this point had to come by revelation and Enlightenment and I can’t tell you how I got here. All I can tell you is that I kept Surrendering… “Wax on, Wax off“.

Free Will, Choice, Surrender & Abundance

OK, In case you haven’t noticed, I’m writing this blog as I progress in my own spiritual journey and I post these nuggets of Wisdom as I pick them up along the way. I don’t claim to have the big picture just yet. I just put the puzzle pieces in place as I stumble across them. As I write this, my bank account is tanked in red and I have maxed out my Discover card which means that physically speaking I am broke, in debt and on top of that, unemployed. I have struggled with ADD all my life, which makes it more difficult for me to go out and “get a job” than the average Joe. I am also 60 years old now which cuts my marketability down considerably. I write this in order to provide a backdrop rather than to make excuses. I realize these limitations are only in my mind and that I view them from my Ego rather than my Higher Self.

Amidst all of my cries for help from the Universe, here is what I have been getting in response. First of all, I get the comforting message that “help is on the way”, along with the not so comforting, “have patience”. This of course speaks to the Ego which has very little effect when it comes to comfort. On a deeper, spiritual level, I am getting the clear message that I need to put the Spiritual first, above the Physical. This accompanies the ongoing theme of letting go of the past and confronting outdated belief systems which “no longer serve” me. One thing I have been shown clearly is that I should not derive my Security, Peace and Joy from external things and circumstances. I get the concept, but it is difficult to carry out.

Today, while in meditation, I was shown a few more truths. I was thinking about my place within Divinity and in connection to Source and how I could translate that into my bank account. I then began mulling over the concept of Free Will and a metaphor was presented to me. Imagine if you were to receive a letter that stated you were the descendant of royalty in a foreign nation. You are told that you are direct heir to the throne and that should you return , you would be afforded all the rights and privileges befitting your status. You might say that you have the “choice” whether to return or to stay where you are, but your status as royalty is not a matter of “choice”. The fact of your lineage is a Truth which is not debatable. Do you have the choice to remain in your current state and not take up your destiny? In a sense you do, but to take that course of action would be completely out of Ignorance and possibly a few other Negative Principles and certainly would not be in your best interest. The Wise decision would be to accept your heritage and take your rightful place in your kingdom. The solution is to Surrender to the destiny which already exists rather than give in to Fear, Doubt and Ignorance. Eliminate the latter and suddenly there is no choice.

In the above scenario, if I were to respond to the letter, my tanked bank account would suddenly become irrelevant along with my employment status and age. All of my worries, anxieties and fears are the result of having my priorities backwards. Instead of living from “Spirit first”, I give the physical and material top priority. A statement that arose from this meditation was that; “You are allowing the physical realm to dictate the course and quality of your Life”. In other words, I have been a victim of circumstances, people and lack, simply because I did not surrender to my own Spiritual status. I was also shown that “Lack” is a natural consequence of prioritizing the Physical. Creativity, Energy and Positive Flow come from the Spiritual to the Physical and putting the Ego in charge by making decisions from the natural mind cuts off the flow of Spirit. Sure, every once in a while I stumble upon an acorn (blind squirrel joke) but that can hardly be considered Abundance.

If you operate strictly from the Physical, there will always be lack… If you are led by Spirit first, the logistics are not your concern.

The Sacred Fool

One of the problems I have faced as a result of my ADD/INFP/Spiritual Path #7 personality type is that of distinguishing between fantasy and reality. I can easily allow my imagination to take off and leave the ground while believing that I am on some spiritual quest or “higher” calling. I have to be consciously aware to keep things in perspective and not give myself to fantasy and imagination. As a result, I have overcompensated with anxiety and an obsession of checking and re-checking, which is, of course, negative energy. Sometimes, good ol’ “horse sense” is needed to cut through the fog of over-complicated spiritual focus and attention. I am sure that in the near future I will see things I should have done differently, but for now I take these lessons as they come and solve the puzzle one piece at a time.

Why Your Abundance Isn’t Working

Abundance is one of those words that gets thrown around a lot with the assumption that everyone knows what it means and that the meaning is crystal clear. Much like the word “Surrender”, most assume that because they recognize the word, they also know the full reach of its application. A simple definition of Abundance would be “more than enough”, but this begs the question; “Enough of what?” Most people associate Abundance with Wealth, although the concept of Abundance encompasses much more territory. Everyone knows that Abundance and Wealth pertain to more than material possessions ever since the Beatles’ sang “Money Can’t Buy Me Love”. After all, what good is sitting in a mansion surrounded by opulence if you have no one with which to share it? As a Positive Principle, Abundance works in Harmony with other Positive Principles. In order to experience true Abundance (as opposed to a cheap substitute) one must be in balance with other Positive Principles. Here are some basic areas where most fall short.

Identity In order to experience true Abundance, first of all you must believe (i.e. know) that you are a Divine being connected to Divine Source with access to all Positive Energy. If all of this sounds like New Age drivel to you, or a little far-fetched, then you have some firmly entrenched beliefs that are preventing you from having Abundance. I would encourage you to read We Made a Decision and What Does It Mean to “Love Yourself” in order to gain a greater understanding of your spiritual nature. It would also be beneficial to read articles pertaining to the Ego in order to distinguish between natural and spiritual thought processes. Knowing and accepting who you are will be critical in your personal balance, which is the key to living a life of Abundance.

Internal vs. External Once you have determined your identity, you will be able to operate in Positive Energy and derive your Joy, Peace and emotional well-being from your Spirit rather than external circumstances or possessions. True Joy and Serenity do not come from material surroundings or anything external. Of course, disturbances are caused by circumstances and material possessions provide comfort but Positive Principles such as Joy and Serenity are spiritual in nature and over-ride temporal, physical conditions. If you are looking for a fat bank account to give you Joy, then you are saying that Joy is relative to money, which it is not. Conversely, if you become anxious when your bank account is low, then you demonstrate that your security lies in your possession of money. Hardly becoming of a Divine Being. Of course this goes back to Identity. What you believe about You is critical because it determines your personal balance.

Co-Creation Ok, so once you figure out who you truly are and understand that you are not dependent on your environment for Peace, Joy and real happiness, you will have to begin to exercise your free will and sovereignty. Another misguided belief that you may need to address it that you and the Universe are in a co-dependent relationship. In other words, God is the Boss and you have to ask His permission for everything as well as ask for stuff that you have a hard time getting on your own. Why do you think He gave you that “Free Will” to begin with? Sure there are some things that only the Universe can do and it never hurts to ask for help. But, if you are a Divine being you are going to have to act like one. You are going to have to decide what you want and what it will take to get it. This will require thought and intention on your part. The difference now is that you have access to Wisdom and Success. Your Ego was limited in its scope of thoughts and ideas. However, the Universe has thoughts and ideas like the stars in the sky. Not only that, but it has your back when you go to implement them! Limitless! That would be “more than enough”.

Flow/Resistance Ever notice that when someone points out a flaw or something you aren’t doing well, you feel this urge inside to just keep on doing it anyway? That is resistance and it is a fundamental activity of Negative Energy. The Ego resists change because it wants to be in control and because it doesn’t like discomfort. Positive Energy accepts the current condition as well as the necessary changes that need to be made in order to effect change. It’s like the Serenity Prayer… Accept -> Change -> Serenity. Resistance is not the same as setting appropriate boundaries. In order to remain within Serenity, we will need to prevent others from “dumping” negative emotions, or pulling us into burdensome activities. Boundaries are appropriate in maintaining our Identity and our connection with Source. Whenever you catch yourself resisting positive change, however, that is a red flag to check your position in Positive/Negative Energy. Remember, Abundance always works in Harmony with other Positive Principles. The Ego will pretend to be the voice of your Spirit at times in order to get what it wants. Whenever you try to fulfill a spiritual need with material possession, or substitute a Principle with an activity, the Universe may pull a “balance check” in order to put things back into perspective. This does not mean that the desires of our Ego are bad or wrong. It is when Negative Energy exploits those desires and pulls us away from our true Identity that we have a problem. Otherwise, we have Abundance!

Surrender Don’t forget to Surrender. Remember, Surrender isn’t about choice. Choice is a lower function. Surrender is about knowing that you are Divine and all about Positive Energy, and that all of your choices must be made through Wisdom, Truth and Love. Once you have Surrendered to your own Divine Nature, your subsequent choices will not be based in Fear, self-compromise or avoidance. Neither will you struggle with guilt, self doubt or shame afterward. You will maintain proper boundaries and a healthy degree of self-love. We must guard our own Self-Will from setting its intention against our divine nature and putting us on a path of self destruction once again. We are not trying to be goodie-two-shoes. We are simply trying to be true to Ourselves!

Resonance, Intuition and Sensitivity

The Basics

Once you have found a reader and have begun your journey to enlightenment, ascension or just plain self improvement you will be confronted by a few basic concepts. You will often be told to “take what resonates”. This means that if a reading is meant for you then it will “resonate” in your Spirit. In other words you can feel that it is speaking to you and that the words have application to your life. Since readers are speaking to potentially thousands of listeners, most readings have material to which an individual can relate and some to which they cannot. This is why you should have more than one reader in order to receive confirmation of a message’s relevance. You can also get confirmation by getting readings of your sun, moon and ascending signs.

Determining the “resonance” of a reading requires that you use your Intuition, or your Spirit’s senses. The fact that you are even listening to a tarot reading suggests that you are an Intuitive person. Taking the Myers-Briggs test will tell you whether or not you have an Intuitive type personality. If you are Intuitive, a Feeler, a Perceiver, or a combination of these types then you are a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and possibly an Empath. HSP’s and Empaths have unique journeys through life and often come to a crisis point before they discover that they are more aware of spiritual matters than the average person and that by compromising to society’s standards they have actually compromised themselves. These types of individuals usually end up with labels such as ADD, Co-dependency, Bipolar and Anxiety Disorder, PTSD and many more. They are often accompanied by addictions, dysfunctional relationships and lack of success in the work arena. It is not because there is something “wrong” with them; rather, it is because they have a different set of priorities and values and have been conditioned by their environment to see them as peculiar or as a “disorder”.

For some odd reason, HSP’s and Empaths have difficulty loving themselves. Perhaps it is because they have interpreted the reactions of others’ to their quirky and “different” behavior as rejection, (which in some cases it was). What it boils down to is a lack of confidence and self doubt which is based on the conditioning of society and valuing the thoughts and opinions of others more highly than your own. That has to stop immediately. You need to have a couple of readers in your repertoire who are always positive and encouraging. Some readers seem to forget that they are speaking to Empaths and can be rather brutal with the Truth at times. Make sure you have a couple who can always bring you back to “center”.

Never allow yourself to be pushed, manipulated or guilt-driven by a reading. You are a sovereign entity with free will and are not to be forced into anything. God, The Divine, Source, The Universe will never over-ride your free will. However, The Universe wants you to understand that you are a Divine entity and that Positive Energy is what brings you to your True Self. Therefore, Surrender to Positive Principles and Energy is in your own best interests. Negative thoughts, patterns and beliefs are what is causing your present discomfort.

A portion of your difficulties in the past have been created by your hyper-sensitivity. Your hyper-sensitivity has created low self confidence and self doubt, which in turn have invited lack of success, negative emotions and other negative energies. You are now beginning the process of unraveling and establishing new patterns. Pack yourself a lunch, it might take a minute!

Getting Clarity

As I approach the two year mark of my divorce which represents the greatest “tower moment” of my life, I can’t help but take a quick inventory of lessons, insights and overall landscape changes.

Yesterday’s over my shoulder so I can’t look back for too long…

I’ve learned that I am a Life Path 7, which explains a lot of the behavior and orientation I had previously ascribed to ADD. Turns out the hypersensitivity, lack of focus on the practical and mundane, daydreaming and fantasy are all part of the attraction to spirituality. Who knew?! The inability to keep a job for more than 2 years at most; the sensitivity to office gossip and always knowing intuitively when someone was unhappy with my performance, appearance or something I said, were all part of my unique, spiritual make-up.

Perhaps one of the biggest changes was the emergence from a deep, dark cloud of negativity. It was so difficult to even realize how negative my daily thoughts were in the beginning. I used to get so annoyed with Readers who would say “there is something from the past you need to let go of” when I had turned over every rock and forgiven everyone I could possibly think of. I finally realized that it was the past itself and the negativity associated with it that I was clinging to. I would wake up with the “grumbles” and continue with them all day long. I can remember when they diminished considerably after I decided to stop entertaining negativity and focused on the positive.

Another major change was that of co-dependency. I used to always wait for someone else to make the first move, the first decision or take the lead so that I could decide how to respond. I hated conflict and always wanted to be liked but my actions had the adverse affect. My self esteem was abysmal and I was plagued with self doubt. I had to learn that I was worthy and that my thoughts, intentions and desires were worthy as well.

This came through countless hours of Readers speaking Truth and guiding me through situations and circumstances in Life. I took a job as a director with one of the last remaining 90 day recovery centers on top of a remote mountain in West Virginia. I made the decisions to accept or reject prospective residents who wanted to avoid incarceration (or get out of it) and “get recovery”. I lived in a small, efficiency apartment and knew no one in the area. My Ego had few comforts with which to escape or become distracted as the Light pierced every part of my old, corroded soul. The highlight of my day was finding some nice place to eat before I went back to my hovel and slept. How much of this was from the Universe or self-imposed punishment I don’t know but I realized that negativity is a hard taskmaster.

Today, I’m still coming to terms with who I am as opposed to who I thought I was. I’ve always had a certain element of wanting to “be somebody”, which I suppose is the result of early abandonment. However, I’ve learned that there is a difference between wanting to be someone of distinction and knowing you are someone of distinction. The latter never has to be defended or proven. I now know that I am a spiritual being first and that everything else is simply utilitarian. I am a part of the greater scheme of things and just need to take up my position in the Universe. It’s just that some days I forget to not allow my Ego to drive.

We Made A Decision…

The Third Step in the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is perhaps the most pivotal of all the steps. It marks the point at which the recovering alcoholic/addict lets go of their attempts to control their own redemption and surrenders to the intervention of their Higher Power.  It states; “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” The underlying notion is that of someone who, after having hit rock bottom and having exhausted all efforts to save himself, stops the struggle and surrenders to the Universe and anyone whom it may send to offer assistance. This step follows on the heels of first acknowledging one’s “powerlessness” over their condition, and that Hope exists somewhere in the Universe for restoration.

Anyone who has been in recovery from addiction knows that it is not long after entering treatment that the Ego re-awakens and attempts to regain control. The humility and “sobriety” that came from the ravages of addiction begin to dissipate and old attitudes, assumptions and justifications re-emerge. At this point, Surrender becomes work. Of course, the whole idea is to address the Ego with its irrational beliefs and defense mechanisms (not to mention overthinking) and “let go”. As one might suspect, this becomes very tricky.

The terms “decision” and “will” found in Step 3 have to do with Volition or Intention. The concept of Free Will is based on the notion that mankind is endowed with the ability to exert his own intention over the course of his life and destiny. While this is partially true, it is not as clear and simple as many would like to believe. “Choice” is often confused with Will or Volition and Life is often reduced to a “set of choices” resulting in desirable or undesirable outcomes. Sorry for the cold shower, but it doesn’t quite work that way. If man were endowed with “free will”, why would he be asked to “turn it over” to the One Who gave it to him in the first place.  

The greatest and perhaps the clearest depiction of the Will and emergence of the Ego is the account of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. The first couple were given clear instructions to stay away from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. However, after a protracted discussion with the serpent they both asserted their Will against the instruction of the Divine. The most notable aspect of this rendition is that Adam and Eve were surrounded by Positive Energy in the garden. Mankind can never place himself in a more positive, holy environment than that of the Garden of Eden in order to find restoration. In their innocence, Adam and Eve were not aware of the ramifications of their actions. This was not an exercise of choice, and the Ego cannot be blamed at this point. Eating the forbidden fruit was not an option. They did not “choose” between remaining in Positive Energy and propelling the entirety of creation into death, destruction and chaos. This was a sheer act of Volition on the part of the new arrivals to the Universe.

The Will is part of our very core… our essence. It is the part of us that makes us sovereign beings. It is our self-determination. The instant these two exercised their independent intention, they were propelled into a realm with which they were completely unfamiliar. Principles began to appear which had not been apparent before such as: Shame, Guilt and Fear. Something had changed. The innocent couple had opened a door. Evil had been introduced. They knew nothing of death, suffering or misery; now it would be a part of their daily existence. It was not a “punishment” to be kicked out of Eden; rather, it was the consequence of opening the portal to Negative Energy. No doubt the Divine Source had intended for man to know both Good and Evil but surely it had a better alternative. But of course, with great power comes great responsibility.

The issue is not about “choice”. There is no choice between Good and Evil. Wisdom or Ignorance does not produce a dilemma. Truth or Deception does not create a quandary. As a sovereign, independent being with “free will”, Freedom is THE choice, which, technically, is not a choice. In other words, in order to have and maintain Free Will, one must acknowledge one’s own Divinity and abide within the Principles and Boundaries of his divine nature in the same manner as Love, Truth, Wisdom, Peace, Joy, Justice and Freedom maintain their Harmony and Integrity. This isn’t about obedience to a higher authority or an external source as much as it is about Self-awareness, Self-determination and Self-preservation.

You have been created to be a Sovereign, Independent, Co-Creator of the Universe. That is both humbling and awesome at the same time. However, in order to be your awesome Creator-like Self, you must understand your origin of Positive Energy with its Principles of Love, Joy, Peace, Serenity, Freedom, Success, Victory, and Life and get back to where you belong! But don’t make the mistake of thinking this is about “making good choices”. It is about Surrender! In other words, it is about taking that marvelous “free will” of yours and lining it up with the Divine Source from whence you came. You don’t choose between Life and Death! Life is THE Choice! Yes, you are unique and special, but an apple tree doesn’t choose to produce pears or sweet potatoes. The only way for you to be truly happy and fulfilled is to BE YOU! Of course there are a myriad of obstacles that stand in the way of you being you, not the least of which is your own Ego. Align yourself with the Positive Principles of the Universe. Seek Peace, Wisdom, Truth and get rid of the baggage of Deception, Denial, Fear and the things that make you compromise, hide and diminish your True Self. Most of all, don’t forget Who You are, and don’t settle!